Working with the Wounding Wounded
Pastors are front runners when it comes to receiving criticism. Sticks and stones do break bones, but contrary to the old playground ditty, words also have the potential to wound deeply. Because of the integrity of our profession and our commitment to setting a high standard, defensive behaviour and retaliatory actions are not acceptable responses.
How, then, can we handle mean words and hostile criticism from the people we are called to lead and do so with grace?
Here are some thoughts I have had in the past and actions I have taken. They may help you navigate this difficult and unwelcome rough patch in the leadership trail.
Understand that 'hurting' people hurt others. Most of the cutting, caustic and condemning words spoken against us did not come from malice or spite. Rather, they have originated in the wounded spirit of the one lashing out. Hurting people often seek relief from their own pain by inflicting pain on others. Because of the profession, the pastor is often the sponge chosen to absorb the other person's pain. It is an attractive option because it can be done with impunity.
Grasping that simple truth is the first step in mitigating the hurtful effect of words spoken against us.
Happy, healthy, contented people are not usually the ones to spew vitriol against others.
When we receive unkind criticism, it is good to remind ourselves that it has likely been sourced from a wounded heart.
Deal with an accuser face-to-face. Meet the person to discuss the issue. Hiding away to 'lick our wounds' only causes them to fester and breed resentment in our own spirit. Avoiding such discussion never brings resolution or healing. Forego an exchange of texts or emails. Most often, they are misinterpreted or misconstrued. The human voice and eye contact are the preferable options. Set up a meeting in a 'non-threatening' environment. I seldom would have such a discussion in the confines of my office, preferring a public setting like a restaurant, where public decorum and adult behaviour are expected.
Listen without interruption. As much as we would like to jump into the conversation with defensive rhetoric, it will always be counter-productive. We need to pay special attention to our own 'body language' attempting to convey a relaxed state. Gently coax the story out by asking sincere and caring questions. The highest honour we can pay another person is to listen to their story with interest and without censure. We need to be kind and gracious in our comments. That is the Jesus way. When He was reviled, He did not lash out in return but trusted His Father to defend His integrity and vindicate His mission. 'A soft answer turns away wrath' (Proverbs 15:1).
Mine any 'truth' there may be in the words directed against us. We need to be humble enough to ponder what is being said and wise enough to admit to even the smallest percentage of truth in the accusation. Aggressive, self-justifying, enflamed responses usually indicate that there is a modicum of truth in the initial accusation. It is a mark of maturity to understand that criticism can actually be a friend, providing a growth point for us. It is important not to be too proud to admit this to the other person, asking forgiveness for any wounding that our actions may have unintentionally caused.
Pray – It is important to be 'prayed up' before we meet our accuser. Pray for the other person. Pray when we initially meet. Ask the other party to pray. There is an immediate de-escalation in tensions when prayer is introduced into the equation. It is very difficult to sincerely pray for each other from a hostile position.
Keep the circle tight. If we have a trusted mentor or prayer partner who can pray with us over the matter in confidence, it is fine to engage that resource. However, we should limit our disclosure to a very limited number of trusted people. James indicates that a few unwise words from an undisciplined tongue can set a forest on fire (James 3:5). Broadcasting our grievances only polarizes people and creates unnecessary division.
Relax. We will likely mollify most people if we follow the above points, but we will not win them all. We must not allow the unkind words of others to place a mortgage on our ministry or an impediment to our leadership. We are imperfect leaders dealing with imperfect people. In the end, our only obligation, according to Paul, is to 'live in peace with all people as much as that process depends on us' (Romans 12:18). Peter, who had his own discord with Paul, writes from a place of greater maturity: 'have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins' (1 Peter 4:8). It is wise to keep in mind that the greatest authority of all, Jesus, cautioned us to self-examination of our effectiveness in leadership if 'all people speak well of us,' (Luke 6:26).
Al is an experienced pastor and counselor who works out of our ABNWT District Resource Centre in Edmonton as the Pastoral Care Coordinator. A pastor to the pastors, Al is a friend, mentor, and confidante to all.