My Top 10 Ways To Get Over Your Fears
The hardest parts of our lives take bravery. It takes our willingness to find our inner grit. I talk a lot about being a brave leader, but I’ve noticed people who usually don’t see themselves as leaders: people like parents (even though you’re only raising the next generation), teachers (who only have influenced everyone you see today), and entrepreneurs (who bring new ideas to solve problems and lead change in our world). No biggie. So, to answer your question, if you’re any one of these: YES, you are a leader.
Today, I’m going to get vulnerable and walk you through my own journey of needing to lead something brave. Have you ever thought, “I would love to___________”? Getting from an idea to being able to do this is often a huge leap. As soon as you start to move towards what you desire, you’ll find out what your barriers are. Many don’t know how to work through these barriers, so they simply freeze.
I’m presently having to break down my own barriers and fears, and so I thought I would share with you how I’m doing that so you can be brave for whatever you’re leading to. The bravery I need to launch my new idea is no different than the bravery you need to:
Parent your child.
Teach your class.
Launch that idea.
So, here’s how I’m moving past fear.
1. Identify your toxic thoughts.
When you think about stepping out into what you would love to do, the barriers that come up often reveal the toxic thoughts swimming around in our subconscious. When I think of launching this community I’m about to start, the thought that goes through my head is, “This is going to fail. This is going to explode in my face.” This reveals my toxic thoughts. It’s limiting me and could even paralyze me from taking action if I let it. (By the way, one of the most powerful tools I have found to combat this is the Neurocycle App.)
My thoughts lead me to emotions and behaviours that are trying to help me. I need to listen to them. When I’m afraid, my behaviours are often to withhold; I don’t trust, and I don’t put all my cards on the table. My emotions are fear of humiliation.
What about you? What toxic thoughts are swimming in your subconscious? What emotions and behaviours does it lead to?
2. What is your perspective?
We all have perspectives formed by our experiences. My perspective on what I’m about to do is that I’ve tried it before, but it exploded in my face. There was disappointment and hurt, and therefore, this will end in disappointment and hurt again. Just because I have this perspective doesn’t make it a reality. Once I can identify my perspective, I can move towards seeing things more clearly.
What perspective do you have? How is it creating barriers for you?
3. What’s your language?
I started to notice fear language coming out of my mouth lately. I noticed my words were guarded and full of self-preservation. Noticing your language, even subtle language shows what you’re thinking.
How are you speaking these days? What does it reveal? How are you speaking to yourself?
4. What are your triggers?
Listing what triggers bring up your fear, toxic thoughts, emotions, and behaviours puts you in control rather than in reaction mode. For me, my triggers are feeling stupid or if I feel people think I’m chaotic – just running with another idea in the wind with no strategic thought. Those often lead me to feel like I’m going to fail.
When we learn to move past our triggers, we will find fear in our rearview mirror. I don’t want my triggers to define me. One of the greatest ways I’ve moved past my triggers is by remembering that I get to choose how I risk. No one is twisting my arm. If I’m risking, I’m choosing it. You have a choice in how you risk today. No one is telling you that you have to be brave.
What are the triggers that lead you to fear? Can you list them?
5. What would the “old me” do?
The old Connie would crumble over anyone who would question me. Concerned looks from others would make me doubt myself. I would then sit down and stay silent. But I’m not that girl anymore. I don’t fall into fear and doubt when someone doesn’t approve of my ideas.
What would the “old you” do? Naming this will naturally lead us to what’s next.
6. What would the “new me” do?
The truth is that I have built a foundation for handling difficult people. I can separate my mood from others, and I have developed strengths that can be transferred to this new adventure.
How would the old you handle this compared to now? Where have you grown? What strengths have been built in you that can be transferred to this new challenge? You are so much more than your limiting thoughts.
7. What would I wish I had done?
If I were looking back on my life in the future, what would I wish I had done? Asking myself this question is when I realized I’m willing to risk. There’s something about the perspective of the end of our lives looking back that can help us measure how much this matters to us. This is where we learn what’s worth fighting for in our lives, in our homes, and in our classrooms.
I realized that if I could give myself advice from the finish line of my life, I would say, “GO FOR IT!” “TRY!” “Don’t be afraid to fail.”
What about you? What would you wish you would have done? What advice is your future self giving you?
8. Name what’s uncertain.
What feels uncertain swims around in our minds, causing us all kinds of confusion. Listing all that’s uncertain removes the confusion and makes us feel more in control.
Before I wrote down all that was uncertain on a list, I felt like I was sinking into a deep ocean of doubt. Once I listed as many as possible, I could clearly see what I could control and create action around it, what was out of my control, and how I would cope with that.
When you list out all that is uncertain, what comes up?
9. What would my life look like if I didn’t have this fear?
This is a powerful exercise in imagination. I wrote in my journal that I would step boldly into what I want to lead in this world to make it a better place for parents and teachers. I would bring people of all different backgrounds to eat together at the table and break dividing walls. I would risk loving people and myself!
I would know that I’m loved and held, and I would be able to do that for others. I would look for more meaningful connections. I would have more love and joy in my life. I would take less offence and be more curious.
Then I wrote this: “Love is a risk worth taking. When you walk through the valley of heartache, you build bravery to keep loving people. I need to allow people to be “people.” They will stumble and fail. I know this because I’m one of them. I’m not putting my worth or approval in the hands of others any longer. I can say “no” when it’s hard with healthy boundaries. It’s not about “if” people will be hurtful, but how much am I willing to stand in my brave belonging.
What would your life look like if you didn’t have this fear?
10. The 3 to 1 ratio.
Dr Carol Dweck came up with what we know as the growth mindset. She states that we need three positive ones for every negative thought to combat it. I took my negative thought of, “This is going to fail,” and listed out three positive thoughts:
I’m brave to love and lead.
My worth doesn’t come from whether I succeed or not.
I’m a powerful person who can manage me.
Many try this strategy alone but notice all the other strategies that came before it. Without a deeper foundation, I find this one falls short.
What are three positive statements you could make?
My worth doesn’t come from whether I succeed or not.
This has given me the courage to lead bravely in my home, the education system, my business, and my new adventure of bringing people together. I hope this blog post has been helpful. You can also listen to it on Spotify, Apple, or watch it on YouTube.
I want to help you be brave too. You may want to be brave, but not sure how. I hosted a webinar on April 15, 2024, on my six pillars to find your Inner Brave! Message me by clicking here and say, “Send me the Find Your Inner Brave Recording,” and I’ll send that right to you.
Remember, you have what it takes to be brave. Be free, friend.
Originally published on April 9, 2024, on The Brave Podcast.
Connie Jakab is a creative church leader, entrepreneur, church planter, and coach. She has worked in full-time church ministry in East Vancouver and has served as the Children's Ministry Director for the BCYD PAOC District. She works on reaching people on the fringes, such as the artistic and LGBTQ2+ community. She and her husband are restoring “HOME” with their company, The Jakab Co., where they renovate houses while coaching marriages and parents. She is also the author of the Bring Them Closer Series and works within schools to reimagine mental health for youth.